Thanksgiving 2020

DeMarle family Thanksgiving 2012

Friends,

I wanted to sit down today and write that even in this time of immense mourning and loneliness I am grateful. And I did wake up happy, surrounded by a dream of being with my sister-in-law Cathy and my Jim. Cathy and I were back in high school which morphed into Jim and I as young adults in love and living in a small apartment (that never happened in this life). It was a dream of exploration and adventure. A lovely dream.

But later, in the stillness of reflection, grief found me again.

There is my personal grief and then there is the bigger, national grief of losing those we love to Covid, to losing life as we knew it to Covid, of the inability to travel and be with our friends and family due to Covid, and there's the big, political divide in our country presently that spurs on the growth of Covid. Who else will we lose this year?

Mom and Dad were overjoyed when Jim and I married. I said to my Mom, "Why didn't you tell me it could be this good?". And Dad often called Jim his son. Missing them deeply today.

Missing these two, Jim and his Dad Louie whom I had also called Dad since I was 14.

Now in my 60's, I've lost my foundation, first my parents, 6 weeks apart in 2013 with my Dad dying during the Thanksgiving holiday. And of course, my beloved Jim this July. In the past 4 months, not a day goes by that I do not cry. One of the thoughts that I'm currently trying to unwind is "why?". My beloved was the healthiest man I knew of our age group until cancer struck. We promised each other forever, dreamed of growing old together, thought we'd have 30 years but instead had 15. Why?

Seeing what I've now lost, I also see what I've had, and what has been given to me in this life. So today I want to thank my amazing parents and parent-in-laws, and Jim who filled my life with joy, who did everything he could despite cancer to make sure I would be OK after he died, and who taught me how to persevere with love and kindness while facing adversity—even his own slow death. 

Jim always delighted in baking apple pies for Thanksgiving.

Of course puzzles for the holidays. Jim would call my sister Mary "Sis". I'm thankful for the care she took of me before and after Jim died. Even going into quarantine after the funeral for us.

I am also thankful for those whom I have not lost. So many folks came to my aid this year, family and friends I've known forever and those whom I just met this year. I wish I could list everyone here but because I was either lost in the single minded pursuit of caring for Jim or in the everlasting shock and upheaval of my very identity after his death, my mind is a bit ravaged and I would forget to call out those of you who perhaps did the most. 

However, this is true, I will be forever grateful to you as it literally feels as if you've saved my soul by giving me comfort, a place to grieve and remember, and to feel hope.

I'm wishing you each a beautiful and memorable Thanksgiving.

With love,

Ann

This shot I took on one of the many walks dear friends and family took with me since Jim's death despite Covid. Without their care, I would behaving an even more difficult time than I am. To you, I'm profoundly grateful for your love.