Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Traveling a universe

I'm still trying to make sense of all of this but it has been a new year of tumult and loss.
Upheaval. Destruction. Fear.War. Death.

Death. Has graced me personally these past 2 months.
Lost a young colleague who gave her all and gave joy to all in her radius;
Lost a creative, artistic, joy-full cousin who shared my birth year and my name—Annie;
and confounding the insanity for me,
Lost a very, very dear friend—so dear and inspiring that he's my daughter's godfather.

With the shock and unfairness what immediately remains is the pain...left behind...students without a guide...a family without a light...a love without presence—a friend torn from she who completed him.

Years ago, at another time of great loss in my life I put my pain into words. Tonight I share it thinking of my friends.

Shot Past Venus

My soul has traveled a universe since you reclaimed me,
Torn from the autumn infused warmth of earth, thrown through the icy ozone.
shot past Venus, blistered itself on the sun.
My soul stormed out of this galaxy, pelted by meteorites, caught up in radio frequencies,
felt the pull of other galaxies,
then drifted far beyond into the brilliance of God's vision.

And in that majestic stillness I raged and shouted, pleaded and promised, groveled and
screamed out "WHY?" and then "WHY?!"
But God did not answer.
Instead held my bleeding, beating soul in Her hands;
a Mother cradling her hungry, angry, howling infant.

There anger spent, pain unbundled, I cried...tears knowing no time.
Washed over in a painful brine of paralyzing fears...
regrets...confusions...desires knowing no hope...
Choked within a ragged breath, snatched between sobs,
I remembered.
You have always been His gift to me.
My saint.
In a silent, whispered reply I heard "You have likewise been my gift to him."

A dawn, a violence,
my soul consumed in a burning, radiant awe...
The magnitude of the gift! The pure luck! The joy! The gratitude!
In the ensuing brilliance, simple clarity, two thoughts illuminate the star-dusted path back.
I have been loved.
I can only ever love.

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