Blessed Barsy, Yahrzeit My Love

Jim with Bella as a pup in summer of 2016

How could I not love this guy forever? Why would I ever try to forget him? Why would I not always honor him?

Tomorrow marks Jim's one year deathaversary. I really don't like that name so if you have other suggestions, much appreciated. As a note folks have shared "angelversary", "passing", from Hindi "shraadh" (every anniversary) and "barsy" for the first year (I love these), "rebirthday", and from Judahism "yahrzeit" during which one burns a candle the entire day (I love this).

I want to thank each of you who have supported me in this journey—in person, by phone, here in this blog, on social media, in your prayers—I've held them all in my heart. Grief really is like being swallowed by the ocean and sometimes spit up, sometimes floating, sometimes drowning but over time what I am learning is how to swim with and in it.

Yesterday & today after writing my last blog post, I really have had beautiful days. I've learned a lot about grieving one's soulmate and life partner—things I hope that none of you who haven't yet will ever need to experience: how the body and mind react to protect and disrupt one’s whole self, how folks who one loves are able or not able to sit with a griever, how important, vital really, it is for other folks to talk about one’s partner & not pretend he never existed, how strangers become closest friends, deep questions about God and faith, more physical challenges like how to fix things—a lawn mower (kind of), dog fences, lights, air conditioners, roofs, flooring, (an endless list right now), how to ski alone, how to ask for help, how to face adversity, how to laugh again, how to take steps to reconstruct one’s whole life and identity (no longer a wife, now a widow—no one chooses that), how folks try to take advantage of widows (insurance companies, etc.), when to hire a lawyer, how folks expect you to hold their grief, anger, and regrets about their relationship with your beloved, how to drive the Honda, and how, when, which of one’s beloved lifetime of effects-digital & physical one keeps or releases. There is so much more.

This Tuesday and Wednesday I am leading a huge event for Champlain College that I am excited for—it has brought new meaning because if successful, it will impact the lives of Champlain's community and it's students for the next 9 years depending on the directions the community chooses (no pressure there). Into the process I have brought along all of these learnings that add a different layer to working with folks and true purpose and value. Some say working should ease (or obscure or bury grief—now there’s a word for you!). I found it really isn't like that. It can do real harm to ignore one’s emotions. I just need to be carefully mindful of my thinking, decision making, and attention and I am up most of the night because grief really can't be swept under a rug. But I know Jim would be proud of me. I'm really excited that my beautiful friend Judy Rodgers will be facilitating the event and staying with me —much like I stayed with her after Jim's death! Sometimes the universe really does make magic happen at just the right time. 

As I've been living through this month, I have been dreaming a lot about Jim—so clear and real. My mind is working at balancing the trauma and beauty of his dying with the power, joy, and energy of his life. One thing I know for sure, he will always be in my heart and I am a better person from his love and from his death. I am now also a different person, hopefully a more truly empathetic and spiritual one (though less apt to suffer fools or tolerate those who celebrate vices as I work at excising my own). I know that I am braver. And I know Jim and I are keeping our wedding day promise to love each other infinity +70years.

Thank you for being besides me in that.

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As a note, yesterday I went bike riding with Tegan and rediscovered a route right by my home that Jim and I enjoyed, I was smiling all day, then today kayaking with Lisa on another familiar and much loved route. Both brought me so much joy and calm. I've felt for the last two days while with them that Jim was right there with us, enjoying the rides and happy for us and how we were remembering him.