Patias

Hypatia

Last night, I dreamt. Every night I dream. Four of seven nights I recall them the next morning or at least bits and pieces of my dreams. When Jim died and I could no longer sleep, I began recording them in a journal, looking up their meanings. I think at first it was my way of keeping track of him. Sometimes he was so clear and real in my dreams. Others times a ghost. For at least a year, I found myself in burnt out basements or ancient mazes or even lost in parking garages trying to fly from the top floor - or at least find the top floor. Sometimes it was carnivals or markets. I was always searching. Trying to find what and whom, I had lost—both my beloved Jim and my own identity. The worst dreams were those where Jim was like a ghost, unable to talk or even look at me or far ahead disappearing into a crowd. He couldn't even recognize who I had become, swathed in my grief. 

Looking back I would say that for at least a year, I was lost in a fog. I honestly can't recall most of that past year after he died. It's very common in widows and widowers, even named "widow's fog". Someone can say to me, "don't you remember?' I'm like "No did I say that, did I do that? It sounds like it could have been me." Thank heavens for photos, this blog, social media. I can follow myself, like I follow my dreams. In a way, it helps me understand where I am now as I become the person I am yet to become, it helps me see how I'm learning to carry my grief AND open my heart.

Last night, I had a dream and the only thing I could remember was a word spelled out repeatedly  “PATIAS”. I awoke saying that’s not a word but then like all the things I dream about, I looked it up. It is a word:

Patia 

A Patia is a unique, but simple name for an awesome person. The name originated from an ancient Greek scholar, Hypatia. With this origin Patias tend to be intelligent women in the academic world; however they also excel in social situations and build strong friendships. They are kind and will always have your back. Patias are the people you call when you need a shoulder to cry on or kick butt with. Also will excel in the art of debate. Note: Patias, though sweet, may often be trained ninjas; angering one such patia or a friend of one may result in a near death experience.

Jim would have loved Hypatia. He deeply admired strong, smart women. The aviator Amelia Earhart, and the actor, inventor Heddy Lamar being two of his favorites. And the woman he most admired, his mother, Constance Darrah Reda. She was mathematically gifted and gave her children their love of photography. Jim's career followed her early steps and he often said she was a woman born ahead of her time. Hypatia was the progenitor of these women—first off she was a female mathematician, great teacher, and counselor—and the first whose life has been reasonably recorded. She constructed astrolabes and hydrometers. 

Yet, she was brutally and publicly murdered because of her gifted public endeavors. Therefore she has become an icon for women's rights.

Illustration by Louis Figuier in Vies des savants illustres, depuis l'antiquité jusqu'au dix-neuvième siècle from 1866, representing the author's imagining of what the assault against Hypatia might have looked like. Wikipedia

Now the oddly fitting part about my dream, is how accurately it depicts where I am now, 18 months out from losing my beloved. No, I don't plan on being murdered. However I have been balancing and growing in the areas which "patia" accurately describes. And at the same time, I've been conflicted about "what should I be doing with my life?".

What I have known and what I am ever so grateful for is all the folks, friends and family, who have come to my aid. Like Hypatia, they have enabled me to depend on and build new "strong friendships." Honestly you have each kept me from totally losing my mind for good—even if through reading this blog. You've picked me up, brushed me off, gotten me on ski mountains, on bikes, on walks, on paddle boards and boats, brought me out to lunch and dinner, let me cry and find a shoulder to lean on. Some of you have helped me deal with the complex and ongoing issues legal, structural, and financial, around the problem caused by the neighboring property damaging to the house, the life insurance case, and the house in Lyons! You've repaired it, argued for me, and stood by my side. Perhaps that is the "ninja" reference. You've helped me stand up to those who have not been honest. You've given me opportunities to find myself and help others. You have helped me take my first and current steps back into the world. 

Jim's memorial July 31, 2021, photo by Steve Mease

I honestly don't know where I would be now without my friends, especially Lisa.

Furthermore, though my brain may have been mush for months on end, many of you might know that I've returned as a consultant to Champlain College, hence the academics reference. It has always been a strength of mine that my strategic brain can continue to invent and be on top of things even while in the worst times of my life. For instance it was during my horrific divorce 20 years ago that I created Champlain's Game program currently ranked in the top ten by Princeton Review. At Champlain now, I've been doing work that I believe will empower the college and its community of students, faculty, staff, and partners, towards its future. I am fortunate to work alongside truly dedicated, creative folks moving important initiatives forward. Since last February, working as a presidential advisor to foster innovation, I've:

1. led an initial team of 24 to create Champlain's Re-Evolutionary 2030 Strategic Plan, 
2. developed the early proposal and initiated the early launch of its varsity esports team 
3. worked collaboratively to launch its renewed pre-college summer teen programs 
4. currently helping to guide new academic degree program initiatives, 
5. and hand-in-glove I'm part of the planning committee for Champlain's proposed new Information Technology and Science (ITS) building. 

I bet if she were alive today, that's where Hypatia would teach, as a faculty for our computing and math programs.

Scot and Shelley facilitating at the Champlain 2030 Re-Evolutionary brainstorming event.

Champlain 2030 Re-Evolutionary brainstorming event.

Then to further the incredible accurateness of my dream, this week I've begun as a consultant to Population Media Center (PMC) as the BREAKAWAY Initiative Project Director, (BREAKAWAY being originally developed by my incredible alumni at Champlain to address violence against women). Last year I was advising as a volunteer but as the program is broadening, PMC recognized that it needed a central position to guide the program. I'll be working with the amazing Wendi Stein, her PMC colleagues, and their various partners to include Helen Wang and Natalia Cereser de Amado. I'm especially excited as this work will more broadly implement the program in Central America—a region I am very fond of—beyond El Salvador and Guatemala into comprehensive programs in Peru and Mexico if we are successful. I know Hypatia would really applaud this, it could have saved her life if cultural timing were different. I know Jim would be applauding too.

BREAKAWAY Video from Champlain College Emergent Media on Vimeo.

Jim with the campers and facilitators in El Salvador for BREAKAWAY.

So perhaps this word "PATIA", delivered in a dream form, was truly a way of letting me know, don't worry so much Ann. It was presented to let me know that where I am now and who I am becoming is on track. That despite this g-d awful pain in my heart, despite this missing Jim that does not end, despite days without human physical connection, yet by following my heart and dear Hypatia I will discover, in fact, I am learning to carry my grief AND open my heart to my life that is to follow.