Missing You Mightily

Honey,

It is so hard to face being home and alone, beginning a life without you. Every time I turn around or go to do something or complete something, I'm struck down with a pure, paralyzing thought, you are gone. I'm caught off guard and need to rest, I'm confused, and broken. I can't even think the word "dead" and you in a sentence. Other words seem less invasive to my heart and yet more so too: passed on, left, at peace (to where and why would you leave? how can you be at peace when I feel as if I'm in hell?). The pain is unbearable and without end. I fear the future—it seems one giant task where my heart is no longer able to function. These constant tears, this deep lack of hope, this is not a me that I know. 

Every action I take, I think to myself, "Now you can come home as I took care of that". And it hits like a sledgehammer, you are not here. All these things that brought me joy and then brought out your joy in me. They all hurt now, reminding me that I can not share my world, my thoughts, my heart with you anymore. And I think "Why should I even do anything? What does it matter now?" 

Missing, missing, missing. You are missing from my life. Such deep despair. What is the point anymore? 

It was just about two months ago that we sat together on the couch in our Covid-19 cancer cocoon. It was while you were doing the interviews on your life. You said to me, much like you said in the video we shared at your memorial service that what bothered you the most about dying was how I would grieve after you died. You said to me that if you could do anything you'd trade everything in the world so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain as you knew I would. I was in tears then, I couldn't help but love you more for your love, your bravery, your strength. You shared that you had wished we could have had 40 more years but that was not to be. And you offered me this small comfort. You said to me that it wasn't about the length of time but the depth of our experience:

"I also know that, it took a long time in my life to learn this, that the duration of time you had with something is no where near as important as the thing itself...We have had a most incredible time together, not as long as either of us wanted, but it is what it is and we get to appreciate what we have had." 

We had that. We were truly soulmates. And now I begin the journey of a soul torn from you.