So Damn Hard

 Honey,

I thought I could get away from it—away from the tears, anxiety, and pain. I did for a bit. Drove an extended distance to see your sister Cathy and her spouse Jerry across Lake Champlain. Tears in the morning driving the familiar roads you and I have traveled on to many a kayak or bike ride or visit to Montreal or even once a tour of New York to uncover the path of your mother's family. Once I was in New York though tears were set aside to seeing anew. This continued as I visited with Cathy and Jerry at their lovely rented cottage, had lunch, and then on a gentle hike with them discovered a beautiful beach reminiscent of Maine.

Cathy and Jerry with Riley

You even left me some signs: a J in the water and two hearts—and of course Cathy and Jerry's beautiful marriage.

Found in the sand in the wet all by itself. 

I chose to drive back through "our" islands instead of the highway to enjoy the sunset over the lake. All wonderful. Then much later that evening a Zoom meeting with the first BREAKAWAY class in Guatemala. For the first time in months, I felt honest to goodness joy tunneling deep within and breaking out of my grieving heart. To see and meet all those wonderful young people and their professors intent on changing the world for the better—oh my!!!! I wanted so very much to run to you and share. You would have been so proud. It was late and I had the understanding that I needed to share and that Tegan and Cathy would appreciate the news

Today was more of a fight to retain my hope and strength. I discovered that those tiles coming up in the studio since a week before you took to bed are from our roof leaking!!!! I feel so weighted down, this on top of so many other things that need fixing. I wonder how I will ever unbury myself from these difficult times, this hardship, and this sorrow. I am so freaking tired of being strong, and of being depressed. Why can't I rest? Why can't just cuddle into this cruel grief and heal?

How did life get so damn hard? And why? Isn't the grief of losing you enough for now? Or is this some way of teaching me to reach out instead of collapsing inward?  

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).