Things That Can Not Be Fixed

Honey,

I've been doing a lot of fixing of broken things, responding to loved ones, and of course the ever present cleaning and sorting. With the leaking roof and resulting damaged studio floor and dry wall that are ruining our studio and my ability to paint, I've been going through things there hidden away in cabinets and right out in the open so both can be fixed. Alongside our computers, cables (mostly yours but not wholly), cameras (again mostly yours), cords and unknown electronic parts, boards, and bits, my family's video tapes (remember how we were trying to upload to digital files before you got really ill? How did you get so ill SO FAST?), and my painting tools and long dead flowers and shells for still lives, there are: my family photos including the posters from my parents' funeral only seven short years ago; all of Tegan's high school CD's of games and music; my old laptops and external drives and CDs I had forgotten; lovely digital photos on CD that you took of our first Christmas where we hosted both of our families—your father and mine talking, my mother and father (all now gone as are you—the legs that together supported the stool that is me); a box of all the receipts, tickets, and paraphernalia from our honeymoon that you kept; the wedding cards I kept; a box full of every card I gave you for 10+  years that you kept; and so much more that I have not yet touched and did not know about. And of course, as if in key to our shared grief, Cathy found photos of us all from a visit they took to Vermont from 2007. Oh to be that close to you again, shoulder to shoulder engaged in thought and joy! 

Each is a fresh piercing of pain and gratitude, each brings tears of remembrance and longing.

And here am I tonight without you.

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I want you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I need you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I desire you with a strength that overwhelms me.

I will never have you in this lifetime again.

I love you and always have, always will. 

Find me please, wait for me.

Dad and Mom (we thought we'd have as much time as them)

My Dad and Yours